Alone is not lonely!
When I got divorced years ago, I was terrified that I was going to live the rest of my life alone. I went from living with my parents to marrying my high school boyfriend and building a home together. I did not live alone until I was almost 45 years old…only because I lived with my adult daughter beginning at the age of 39. At that time, under those circumstances, I had no idea how to be alone – so I thought it would only mean living lonely.
Once I began to heal from the divorce and began to live life again…date, get social, etc…my friends wanted nothing more than to “find me a man”. I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted, nor what I needed, but if my inner circle thought that would be my solution, then I guessed that was what I needed to do.
I jumped from relationship to relationship – hoping to find the one person who could complete me again…the one person who would make me feel whole again. Well, after kissing a lot of frogs, it didn’t happen!
Then, I got to a point of frustration – where I wasn’t putting my heart out there again! I continued to date for fun, but I refused to get close to anyone…as if I was saying to society, it doesn’t matter what you bring my way, I’d rather be lonely than deal with this bullshit of feelings. Of course, you can imagine, none of this was doing me any good…I was even more frustrated, lonely, angry, sad…and alone!
And, as I continued to feel this way, society kept pushing back at me. Not only my friends, but my colleagues even began questioning why I was alone. “Aren’t you lonely?”, “Don’t you feel empty inside?”, “Who will you have to enjoy life with?”
These constant questions came up in EVERY ONE of my daily conversations.
It’s funny – so many people believe that if you aren’t with someone in some kind of binding relationship, then you aren’t complete.
Take my daughter for example. She’s 31, highly educated with many life experiences. She’s one of the most beautiful women I’ve met – inside and out. And she never meets a stranger! She’s currently a 1st grade teacher and those kids AND parents love her! Just an amazing person.
She’s single…and believes that there is something wrong with her. She feels that she is not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, not worthy enough to be in a relationship.
As her mom, this kills me.
As a strong, single woman, this aggravates me!
Every time we have the conversation, she points out how she is not invited out with friends, as they are “coupled”, and she is not. EVERYONE – and I mean EVERYONE – asks her why she doesn’t have a boyfriend/husband, as, and I quote, “You are just so pretty”. All this does is makes her feel more depressed and doubt her self-worth even more.
So, I ask, why is it not ok, in society’s eye, to be a strong, single woman, and ok with it?
Let’s think about some of our favorite female celebrities. They are not only known for their amazing talents. They are also very well known for the fact that they are single…but all I see is that they seem to love their life! And, they keep living it, making an impact on the world beyond just their acting abilities!
It is time to begin changing the script on this narrative. We need to begin to accept all people for who they are. We need to accept that not every woman needs a partner to make her whole. We need to accept that whether we are a “couple” or a single, women still have the same amazing talents about themselves to share with the world. And we need to accept that those women who are strong and independent, choose to “couple up” because their partner is an added bonus in their lives, not a necessity to make them feel like they are a whole person.
So, as a strong, independent, single woman, how do we build confidence, courage, and clarity to live this life, unapologetically, because society’s views will not change overnight. I have done this mindset shift with myself over the past few years. I have the tools and strategies to build that confidence, courage, and clarity. My mindset beliefs that I have instilled within myself over the past 2 years have put me into a position to love myself again, stop questioning whether I am worthy being a single woman, and become whole once again.
- Believe that you are a whole person and have so much to offer the world. YOU do not need to apologize for your accomplishments, nor do you need to apologize for feeling comfortable in your own skin.
- Remind yourself that you are worthy of love. And then love yourself! But also, surround yourself with people who understand. If you do encounter those who question your choices, remember your boundaries…your non-negotiables. Be confident when telling them you are making a choice that is right for you…and don’t apologize for that!
- Remember, only when you are whole and feel 100% individually, can you 100% go into a new relationship that is going to thrive and give you both exactly what you need! Seeking out happiness in someone else will never bring you to the end of that happiness rainbow. It all comes from within you.
These strategies have even helped me realize that now that I have chosen to take the next step and enter into a committed relationship, it’s with someone who accepts me for who I am, he is confident with his own self, and we both believe that we are the bonus to each other, not a missing piece to make each of us whole again
A Girl and Her Dog Coaching and Consulting can support you in working through mind shifts that will give you confidence and courage. I can work with you in group or individual coaching so that you can gain the clarity you need to design the life you want. You can simply learn more about my services on my website, www.findagirlandherdog.com!
And, even if you may not be ready to take that big step, check out my website and follow my blog, as I focus on 4 big areas of living life Strong: Inside and Out, which include Self Image, Health and Wellness, Dressing for Success, and Leadership! Cheri ❤️