I remember it like it was yesterday. It was new and everything felt so perfect. We couldn’t keep our hands, eyes or thoughts away from one another. We smiled all the time and it was evident to everyone around us that we were in love.

We went to our first holiday party and had an amazing time. The conversations were great and the tequila was flowing. The pool was the perfect temperature and the weather was not too hot, considering the time of year.

We swam and laughed and drank some more. Everyone was so happy to meet me and to see the person who had been putting the smile on your face. I never could have imagined how things could change so quickly in just a few months.

We were tested. Natural disasters, health problems, family problems and real life set in. We were determined to keep going, even saying this was the best relationship of both of our lives.

As time went on, the circumstances surrounding us began to wear us down. A distance began to creep between us, both physically and mentally. We both began to see each other in different ways. I was no longer the flower you once admired so greatly. Our flaws were exposed, our vulnerabilities were on display and the distance grew.

I explained to you that the more distance I felt, the more I felt drawn to you…. And I knew that wasn’t good but you kept telling me everything was fine and there was no distance. I should have listened to myself and recognized what I needed and backed away. But I didn’t, I pushed and the distance grew.

There were so many signs. I kept bringing them up, trying to understand and make sense of the difference between what I was seeing/experiencing and what I was feeling. I needed space to understand that I was losing myself in a situation where there was nothing left.  You needed space to figure out what you wanted. There seem to be more going on than I understood. You were avoiding, I was attaching. I pushed for answers to things I didn’t understand… you were unable to provide clarity…and the break was finally made.

You still wanted your friend. I felt abandoned. So much sadness, anxiety, confusion and disappointment. Where were my boundaries? Why did I stay so long when I felt the distance growing? How could I have taken so much time away from my child and my work for it to end like this?

It’s taken a while for me to realize that I needed this to happen for so many reasons. I still had many lessons to learn. It opened up an opportunity for intense self discovery and so I can understand what I need from myself and my relationships.

I’m now in a place where I can look at it with love. I see that it was a stepping stone on my path to true unconditional love. I am healing and will continue to move forward but will never forget what I learned from our time together.